Disagreements Are Allowed

Disagreements are permitted. This community is way too diverse to maintain an uniform thinking with the same beliefs, ideas, and philosophies. Unlike the other cultures, with the exception of gay culture, this culture isn’t hereditary for the majority of its stakeholders. Most join this exclusive group when one masters its language after finding out that the oral language of its primary community is inaccessible due to one primary organ not working effectively. Due to this, certain members from all socioeconomic groups, racial groups, religious groups, and immigrant groups all join this group cultivated by a small group of people whose deafness run in many generations.  Some join this culture at a very young age.  Others come in during elementary, junior or high schools.  Some are introduced to this community after high school. All these people have different communication skills, different cultural values, different educational backgrounds, and the list go on endlessly. This is probably the most diverse culture of all.

For some reason, some people are uncomfortable with the different opinions held by others. To expect a standard set of same values and beliefs is unreasonable, in my opinion. That may account for the incessant infighting. Developing more tolerance for diversity within the Deaf Community would promote better Deaf Unity.

When disagreements arise, the key for a successful and constructive discussion is very simple:

Address to the topic, not the person.

Anytime a person is targeted, the discussion will go ugly, leading to personal attacks and perhaps character assassination. At the end, many people end feeling hurt and angry, holding resentments. How is that going to help with the goal of Deaf Unity? It only makes the goal more unreachable.

If the topic is discussed with no reference to the person, including innuendoes of the character, the discussions would flow easier. We may not agree, but we may start to understand the reasons for other people’s point of views.

It’s really simple: address to the topic, not the person and conduct the discourse with mutual respect.

At the end, we may agree to disagree and leave it at that point. We don’t have to become foes. We can focus on what we do agree and work on that area only.  With the Deaf Community already very small,  we need unity among us.

What do you think?

51 Responses to “Disagreements Are Allowed”

  1. Karen Mayes Says:

    You voiced what I have been thinking along…

    Address to the topic, yes. That is a sign of maturity…

  2. Ecnarb Says:

    Jiddu krishnamurti {seesmic_video:{“url_thumbnail”:{“value”:”http://t.seesmic.com/thumbnail/VGunXPXMcX_th1.jpg”}”title”:{“value”:”Jiddu krishnamurti ”}”videoUri”:{“value”:”http://www.seesmic.com/video/3HKcH45bNl”}}}

  3. jodi Says:

    Mishka,
    Your point is obsolete. People who NEED to read this…will not listen. I have no problem dealing with those individuals who lack manners and who attack me personally-we are in the age of virtual assault…Press Delete and move on with your life. You can’t make a person grow, either they are intelligent enough to address the topic and NOT the person, or what they say holds no value anyway.
    As I always say…take it from the source.
    However, if your post makes one person wake up and realize the proper way to discuss between mature individuals, you will have committed a great act.
    Hugs,
    Jodi

  4. Deb M Says:

    I agree wholeheartly.

    There is no point at attacking certain person by taking their video and twist it out of context without other’s permission and post on DVTV and DR to make this person look bad.

    Deaf people are praticing their behavior learned at deaf institutions and socal clubs that are carried over to DR and DVTV

    It is getting out of control each day and getting worse as day go by. Its not worth it.

    These folks are “pushing” good leaders out of DR and DVTV with this kind of behavior which are hurting deaf community who wants to learn from them so DR and DVTV are beginning to lose good leaders who are getting tired of constant drama

    Sad!

  5. jodi Says:

    PS.
    This:
    Unlike the other cultures, with the exception of gay culture, this culture isn’t hereditary for the majority of its stakeholders.
    …was an exceptional comment. Jodi

  6. Ann_C Says:

    I’ve lurked on many hearing v/blogs and the level of incivility and personal attacks are 10X worse than what I’ve seen on the deaf blogosphere. It’s apparent however for the majority of hearing bloggers and readers, that this sort of thing comes with the territory of the freewheeling internet and as such, many are able to let the insults and attacks roll off their backs. In other words, they’ve developed thick skins and they move on.

    Unfortunately, the deaf community is very small and the v/bloggers are familiar with many members in this community. So personal attacks do become personal in the real sense of the word. Deaf v/bloggers should recognize that the internet is a VERY public forum– we d/Deaf are not the only ones lurking in DR, for example– it is one way how others see us. Are we really presenting a positive, welcoming world open to discussion of many different views or not?

  7. Karen Mayes Says:

    *eyebrows raising*

    Practicing from deaf schools and deaf clubs? I was told that similar practices went on in the hearing world also.

    Hmmm… I might be ignorant, but I was always under an impression that deaf schools and deaf clubs tended to be the places where deaf people could have a lot of personal growth. But then *shrugging* I was mainstreamed and I was never a member of any deaf club, so I guess I am a wrong person to pass any judgment.

    It is amazing at how we function in deaf social world and I remember there was a discussion on “social ladder” two years ago, LaRonda vlogged about it, as I recall…the need to be accepted by the deaf community, so one would take risks just to go up one step on a ladder, or something like that? Even it means hurting a person or more in the process? Correct me if I am wrong…

  8. White Ghost Says:

    Jodi has a valid point.

    If not for many controversial issues in this world, what would we happen to all of us?

    Are we becoming Adam and Eve? That’s the theory.

  9. FloridaGirl Says:

    It is interesting to bring up topic that disagreements are allowed. What if I agree with Jane K. Fernandez, will you attack me for no reason at all? To tell you the truth, I don’t support Jane Fernandez.

    There is good reason to be in disagreement with the others’s suggestion, so they can meet to discuss some good reasons for depending on the situation.

    There is no reason to be in disagreement with people. What? Allowed Disagreements create possible attacks on one another.

    That’s why I am in favor of a structured environment where everyone agrees.

    “DUE PROCESS OF LAW: PROCEDURAL AND SUBSTANTIVE ISSUES
    Definition of Due Process: the exercise of government power under the rule of law with due regard for the essential and fundamental fairness rights of individuals

    EQUIVALENT TYPES OF DUE PROCESS
    SUBSTANTIVE:
    freedom of association
    freedom to participate
    freedom of movement
    freedom of privacy
    freedom to enjoy
    freedom of choice
    etc., etc., etc…etc., etc., etc..”

    PS. I believe that the commentator is stabbed in the back for asking and being accused unanswered bloggers or vloggers.

  10. Karen Mayes Says:

    Responding to Brance’s vlog comment…

    I am wondering if it is the cyberspace to blame? People can easily make or/and destroy relationships at the clicks of the keyboards… telecommunication has advanced so greatly that words are easily twisted around… higher education has gotten to the point where people are smart enough to understand and to learn to play with other people’s psyches?

    Or is this the time where we hear the dismal news about economics which feed into our fears so we subconsciously take it out on other people? Fear rendering morals useless?

    Ahhh… many possible reason we can only imagine to try to make sense of the situation we find ourselves in.

  11. Mishka Zena Says:

    Deaf schools and Deaf clubs are where people do experience tremendous personal growth, yes, due to social interactions.

    However, at the deaf schools, Deaf students experience heavy oppression from some teachers and dorm counselors. Then they practice what they learn among each other, oppressing each other.

    There are some wonderful hearing people who work with the Deaf people. I am not referring to them as they have good intentions. I wish we have more of these good hearted hearing people

    Unfortunately some of the hearing people who work in the deaf schools and organizations… I am trying to be diplomatically tactful, but as of now, I cannot think of a way…… some of these people have ‘control issues’ along with ‘social issues’ so in the deaf schools, they enjoy more power than they may have if they work in the hearing world. In other words, they exploit and oppress the Deaf people rather than encouraging them to be empowered. I find this very tragic because it teaches the deaf people to think all hearing people are like that, when in reality, they aren’t.

  12. Ben Vess Says:

    Mishka,

    we must have esp! lol you go!

    Der Sankt

  13. Mishka Zena Says:

    FloridaGirl, why are we expected to have same opinions in a structured environment? A lot of hearing people have many different opinions. Are we being held to a different standard than hearing people because we are Deaf? Can you please clarify? I am not sure I understand. Thanks :)

    We can have disagreements without personal attacks. Some of my friends supported Fernandes for different reasons, which was fine with me. I didn’t agree with them, nor did they with me and my protest blog. However we respected each other’s opinions instead of attacking each other and remain friends to this day.

    Disagreements are not the problem here. It’s the inability of some people to handle disagreements without restoring into personal attacks. It’s up to people to learn how to handle the disagreements without attacking.

  14. Jean Boutcher Says:

    Ann_C,

    I am glad you saw it. Verily. 10X, 15x, yay.

  15. Mishka Zena Says:

    Ann C is correct. This is very different from hearing listservs and blogs/vlogs. The attacks in the hearing listservs are sometimes pretty vicious. What most people here don’t realize is that these commenters don’t know each other. These communities are virtual. When the commenters sign off, they join their own world with families, friends, and coworkers. The chances of them meeting these Internet strangers in real life are slim, unless they make plans to meet each other, etc.

    Here it is a very different ballgame. We already know each other. So we are not talking to faceless people. We are actually attacking our former classmates, friends, clubmates, schoolmates, friends’ friends, and colleague, etc. Even when we sign off from the computer, we will still meeting these same people in real life.

  16. Ben Vess Says:

    I totally agree with mishka on her latest comment.

    the ballgame is different for the deaf.
    :)

  17. Karen Mayes Says:

    I get your point.

    Deaf community… too personal. Seems like everyone knows each other. More risk for emotional upheaval.

    Hearing community… too impersonal. Easier to shrug off.

  18. FloridaGirl Says:

    Disagreement: Definition

    1. A failure or refusal to agree.
    2. A disparity; an inconsistency.

    a. A conflict or difference of opinion.
    b. A quarrel.

    Understanding Conflict and Disagreement

    “DISAGREEMENT is a difference of opinion. It is based upon one’s personal orientation system, including values, needs, interests, or intentions. Disagreement should be seen as functional and/or positive. To disagree is natural. How strongly one feels about something is directly related to one’s tolerance for disagreement. We all have opinions and ways of doing things. As long as our tolerance level is not overstressed, we often communicate no verbal disagreement and very little nonverbal disagreement.”

    CONFLICTt is a strong disagreement or collision of values, needs, interests, or intentions among individuals, groups, organizations, communities, or disagreement and what level a person can handle without the disagreement going into conflict is a key factor in conflict communication.

    Products of disagreement
    New ideas, better ways of doing things, change, innovations, better use of resources, new skills.

    Products of conflict
    Conflict is negative and any outcome/product would be negative, not positive.

    Conflict is the exclusive product of communication.
    The more conflict there is, the harder it is to manage.

    Try to get conflict under control quickly.

    You can control disagreement; you cannot control conflict.

    Only way to control conflict is to stop all communication. This includes verbal and nonverbal communication. Staying in the same room or within sight of individual causing the perceived or actual conflict will not work. Get out of sight!”

    Doug Hovatter
    Extension Agent, Berkeley County

  19. Dianrez Says:

    Ann C and MZ have hit on a cultural characteristic that we have. Attacks in cyberspace have (for us in the Deaf community) a different quality than it does for hearing people. It has a more damaging and persistent sting that is remembered longer because it came from our own people.

    How can we make sure this is moderated among ourselves? Realistically, in a limited way by close moderation by responsible blog owners.

    We could use a label such as “attack troll” to shame those people who insist on attacking using anonymous names, hijacking blogs, committing libel, or breaking moderator rules. Whether this will work remains to be seen.

  20. Ecnarb Says:

    Karen and White Ghost {seesmic_video:{“url_thumbnail”:{“value”:”http://t.seesmic.com/thumbnail/LagUGZC5pJ_th1.jpg”}”title”:{“value”:”Karen and White Ghost ”}”videoUri”:{“value”:”http://www.seesmic.com/video/2aO1VeDXHZ”}}}

  21. Sheri A. Farinha Says:

    You really think the Deaf community is that “small” to the point we all know each other? Trust me, there are thousands of deaf people out there who we do not even know nor will we ever meet, and are whom never v/blog. Perhaps its because we become familiar with a person’s style because we see them commenting often on blogs, and especially on vlogs. When doing video comments you see the person you are dialouging with, and thus it seems more personal.

    We have been saying “attack the issue not the person” for well over 3 to 5 years now. Not all blogsites post “rules”…more do now than before, yes.

    Even with “hearing sites”, you see more and more blogs step up to the plate with rules, in fact, many now have “report this” next to each commenters “comments”.

    I agree Miska, “disagreements are permitted”, “healthy dialouges”, yes, and in order to stay “on topic”, I really feel people could use guidance on ways to “disagree”. I have never seen a vlog discuss this via Role play, and role model good ways n bad ways via a vlog.
    That would be my suggestion.

    I think that was the gist of Floridagirl’s comment, at least that is how I understood her to mean – she would prefer rules be stated per blogsite for folks to follow than to leave it open for chaos to surface. Seems no one reacts until major problems occur. To get out of the “reaction” mode, is why I make the suggestion above.

    Take care..

  22. Amy Cohen Efron Says:

    [riffly_video]07E19CA2B81311DDBC64D7618271DB70[/riffly_video]

  23. Ann_C Says:

    The pain of remembering mistreatment at the hands of a few hearing people should be enough to remind ourselves to treat our own with gentility and dignity, even though we may hold different views.

    The pain of mistreatment by our own is 10X worse, simply because it is our own repeating what a few hearing people have done to us and we should know better.

  24. Amy Cohen Efron Says:

    [riffly_video]6B12625AB81511DD8B8DD7618271DB70[/riffly_video]

    To read bit more about “Fighting Fair to Resolve Conflicts”

    The link is: http://cmhc.utexas.edu/booklets/fighting/fighting.html#anchor101021

    http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/20

    http://happylists.wordpress.com/2008/08/01/37-rules-to-fighting-fair/

    Good luck!

  25. White Ghost Says:

    Amy is truly an amazing grace.

    Do we really think this situation could come from several Reality TV shows?

    I.E., “The Jerry Springer” show appears to be a very low-class reality TV show. How can the children prevent watching this show?

    I wish the broadcasting could remove this show immediately. However, this is the freedom of broadcasting in America. :-/

    I find it really irony because the broadcasting such as NBC, ABC, CNN, CBS and others banned the pornography shows.

  26. RLM Says:

    I second you and other commentators!

    RLM

  27. Sheri A. Farinha Says:

    Ah! Karen, thanks for pointing out about Amy’s response on DVTV! Gosh, I got totally lost, how Ben’s vlog ended up in two places, this is getting trickier to follow. I had to search for it and finally saw what was said. As usual, good points Amy! “Fight fair” = debate or argue your points fair without personalizing them. The links you provided above are good ones. I provided another one on Ben’s site, re how to argue or “win arguments” when debating an issue. I like Dianrez’s suggestion of an icon/pix of “attack troll”. First things first, I hope guidelines are posted in video of “do’s and don’ts” of how to argue fairly, and or how to debate.

    Really we can say all we want, its up to the person or people involved to follow what’s advised.

    Thanks for taking up this issue Mishka!

  28. A Deaf Pundit Says:

    I would suggest that people try to remember and practice the Golden Rule – treat others like how you want to be treated.

    And you know… I personally find it very disturbing that the adults in the Deaf Community have to be explicitly told how to behave and how to respectfully disagree with each other. C’mon… seriously?

    I opposed the UfG protests. But most of my dear friends in the v/blogosphere, were UfG supporters. It’s about mutual respect, tactfully saying your points, and be willing to concede that you just might be wrong about some things…

    Clearly it’s easier said than done for us as a community.

  29. Candy Says:

    Deaf community is small in the sense that we may not know every deaf people, but, someone we know knows someone we don’t. For example, I went to MOS International to check out 1XXX+ members and to my amazement, almost every single one of them shares a mutual friend with me. That is small world!

  30. Sheri A. Farinha Says:

    Deaf Pundit, I think you answered your own question with your first statement. Perhaps that is what we are witnessing…people are treating each other how they themselves have been treated all along? :)

    Another suggestion, if there was a way to insert icons like smileys, or joking faces, people would understand the “tone” better for written comments on blogs. Dunno how this will work with vloggers tho.

    I fully agree about two-way/mutual respect.

    As for conceding when one is wrong…how often do people see v/blogger leadership like you or others do this? I mean this in a kind way, as I don’t see this practiced as much as its preached.

  31. A Deaf Pundit Says:

    I said treat others how you would LIKE to be treated. Totally different than treating others how you’ve been treated.

    I can only speak for myself, but I have conceded my wrongs. It’s not very often, because I don’t get into debates that I know I can’t win… ;) But it does happen, as regular readers of my blog will know. :)

  32. Ben Vess Says:

    DinaRez,

    I like your suggestion og labeling certain people like “attack trolls” but then again wouldn’t that support the whole concept of labeling people whether it be positive or not?

    I think that course of action would be a double edged dagger if implemented…

    i dunno.

    Ben

    by the way mishka, how did you make your seesmic work? uhmph

  33. Sheri A. Farinha Says:

    Ah, my bad. So you did! Thanks for clarifying. :)
    My observation of this whole issue…
    in general – people are treating each other how they themselves have been treated all along. Thus why I hope to see vlogs give examples, or perhaps ask, “how would you like to be treated?” Smile. Sometimes people just need reminders and guidance.

    TGIF everyone!

  34. Ann_C Says:

    I agree with Ben about DianRez’s suggestion of an “attack troll” icon. There is a chance that such labeling with an icon like that can be abused as much as the “red flag” thing. Oh well…good intention behind the thought, but I don’t think it’d be used as originally intended in DVTV.

    Sheri, LOL, wish there was some way of inserting smiley icons in DVTV, as facial expression and signs often get taken literally in DVTV, and somehow misinterpetation of meaning starts in the wrong places. *sigh*

    DP, you and I think along the same lines, it’s so damn weird. Yes, we’re adults, but as so often attested not only in the deaf community but in the hearing world as well, there are some who revert to ten-year-old’s when they can’t get their way. :)

    MZ, this blog is Liberace compared to Jerry Springer. Class, girl.

  35. From a friend Says:

    please post youtube rules on your blog

    http://www.youtube.com/t/community_guidelines

    http://www.youtube.com/t/community_guidelines#tips

    http://help.youtube.com/support/youtube/bin/answer.py?answer=92486

    http://www.google.com/support/youtube/bin/topic.py?topic=10554

    Use that and post in your blog to EDUCATE these folks in DR and DVTV

  36. jodi Says:

    The Deaf Community is REALLY small. Crazy small, really…and I’m speaking as a hearing mom in another country. Shocking things have happened-if it’s six degrees of separation in the “hearing world” it’s about two and a half in the Deaf Community…Jodi

  37. dog food Says:

    sometimes i think that alot of what we say and do online is a reflection of our lives in the real world.

    Bad economy, no jobs, high cost of milk, etc… its easier to lash out and ridicule ourselves and others online.

    Heck, i’ll admit; i even want to make a flaming comment here. but i signed an online pact pledging to myself not to be so offensive.

  38. Anne Marie Says:

    I have been watching Obama how he has been successful with great admiration. He has shown capacity in working with people who disagree with him fundamentally. I look at how he really does well to ask McCain and other republican fellows just to work together. Of course, always with respect and due processes. Simple as this. : )

    He remains objective as best as he can be and manages to keep his work group within safe haven of shared power and transparency. His communication with everyone, that is listening to everyone and being inclusive as possible i.e. posting i-reports on CNN news. It is far commendable and indeed an exemplary we need to achieve in our Deaf community, that’s the a c t u a l change we ought to aim at from each of us within.

  39. ASLisRisen Says:

    MZ????? {seesmic_video:{“url_thumbnail”:{“value”:”http://t.seesmic.com/thumbnail/lwfkncEWeF_th1.jpg”}”title”:{“value”:”MZ????? ”}”videoUri”:{“value”:”http://www.seesmic.com/video/3piNR4Fgpz”}}}

  40. Mishka Zena Says:

    Hi Shawn, If you are a Democrat, will you be oppose those who are Republicans on a personal level because you disagree with them? Will you attack them, using poor attitude and nasty language to deflate and oppress them to silence them? If they remain firm to their beliefs, will you reject them, cutting them out of your life and malign their reputation?

    I know many Democrats and Republicans. Some of their political views, I don’t agree, but we put them aside. I respect theirs and vice versa. I am not going to try to force them to change against their will because if I do, I wouldn’t be a good friend, would I?

    I hope that makes sense to you.

  41. Anonymous Says:

    Amy Cohen Efron

    Could you please put CC in your two videoclips?
    If not possible, why not make a transcription?

    Thank you.

  42. ASLRisen Says:

    what happen to Amy Coehn Efron’s 2nd video? {seesmic_video:{“url_thumbnail”:{“value”:”http://t.seesmic.com/thumbnail/7Lt4ioToHI_th1.jpg”}”title”:{“value”:”what happen to Amy Coehn Efron’s 2nd video? ”}”videoUri”:{“value”:”http://www.seesmic.com/video/CKHtS05o0I”}}}

  43. RLM Says:

    ASLRisen,

    You probably do not see such trends like some group or individuals band together to put down on some kind of dissent – the right to make a rebuttal or disagree for sake of argument.

    You have to understand the whole picture what is really going on the DeafRead or outside the DR. Some group or individuals try to shut up that deaf person from bringing up good point or strong opinion, then accuse the dissent as part of “crab theory” to intimidate or put fear in someone from speaking out anything freely.

    That’s what MZ tried to say on her blog.

    Most important of all is to listen to anyone what he or she have to say than attempting to control that person from saying anything negative or unpleasant stuff.

    RLM

  44. ASLRisen Says:

    MZ and Amy {seesmic_video:{“url_thumbnail”:{“value”:”http://t.seesmic.com/thumbnail/qtxpzmfByx_th1.jpg”}”title”:{“value”:”MZ and Amy ”}”videoUri”:{“value”:”http://www.seesmic.com/video/1SCxN8VM2D”}}}

  45. Amy Cohen Efron Says:

    To respond to the commenter number 41.

    Hmmm… but you didn’t make that request for other video commenters on this blog. Why me?

    Thanks,
    Amy Cohen Efron

  46. ASLRisen Says:

    Amy Cohen Efron {seesmic_video:{“url_thumbnail”:{“value”:”http://t.seesmic.com/thumbnail/MC57DZeS2X_th1.jpg”}”title”:{“value”:”Amy Cohen Efron ”}”videoUri”:{“value”:”http://www.seesmic.com/video/iKVrwncBUa”}}}

  47. ASLRisen Says:

    RLM {seesmic_video:{“url_thumbnail”:{“value”:”http://t.seesmic.com/thumbnail/pALD95ElKK_th1.jpg”}”title”:{“value”:”RLM ”}”videoUri”:{“value”:”http://www.seesmic.com/video/oNRTYkP26i”}}}

  48. ASLRisen Says:

    #45 Amy {seesmic_video:{“url_thumbnail”:{“value”:”http://t.seesmic.com/thumbnail/jJGvNluMZy_th1.jpg”}”title”:{“value”:”#45 Amy ”}”videoUri”:{“value”:”http://www.seesmic.com/video/rXQEJyGfSp”}}}

  49. Ecnarb Says:

    Ad Hominen Agrument {seesmic_video:{“url_thumbnail”:{“value”:”http://t.seesmic.com/thumbnail/85O0VaB4ML_th1.jpg”}”title”:{“value”:”Ad Hominen Agrument ”}”videoUri”:{“value”:”http://www.seesmic.com/video/PCxWd1FkBl”}}}

  50. Mishka Zena Says:

    ASL Risen, there is a vicious smear campaign going on to silence the moderate Deaf people from speaking out. The reputations of these moderate culturally Deaf people, including mine, are being systematically maligned, with people being told that they are anti-ASL and anti-Deaf. A group and its followers cannot tolerate the diversity of thoughts and beliefs within the diverse and vibrant Deaf Community, so they are attacking these outspoken Deaf people. Because of their deliberate deceptions, others think we are out to destroy Deaf Community and ASL, despite of our long history of positive advocacy for Deaf Community and ASL.

    .

  51. ASLRisen Says:

    again confuse??? {seesmic_video:{“url_thumbnail”:{“value”:”http://t.seesmic.com/thumbnail/UGINDeNREj_th1.jpg”}”title”:{“value”:”again confuse??? ”}”videoUri”:{“value”:”http://www.seesmic.com/video/WrKJInqjiz”}}}

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