Hall of Shame
This is so heartbreaking. To be abandoned by the biological family.. perhaps due to one’s deafness, then to be adopted by an American couple and immersed in a new life. Only to be dumped like garbage one year later once the couple found out that the child’s deafness cannot be fixed. That poor poor child. My heart aches for that child. I hope the child will be adopted by a loving family who will not only embrace the child, but also her deafness. It will take her a long time to recover from this traumatic experience, perhaps she will never heal….
What were they thinking? Did they actually think cochlear implant will be 100% successful, if the child is eligible for cochlear implants? There is no guarantee with a cochlear implant. Why did they adopt a deaf child in the first place? They may have decided to adopt a handicapped child, after finding out that adopting a hearing child would be too lengthy or too expensive.
We have seen many examples of overzealous parents constantly trying to fix their children, refusing to accept that the child may not be perfect. But this case takes the cake.
A hex on these cold heartless parents for dumping an innocent child who doesn’t deserve to be treated like a broken toy.
Thanks to Kim for bringing it to our attention: DeafMom3: A couple returned Deaf child back to the Adoption Agency
P.S. I just found out that the adoptive mother is pregnant. Figures. Now that she is miraculously pregnant, she washes her hands of the “problem” child. I feel sorry for the unborn baby.. if that child ever finds out what the parents did prior to her/his birth, the child will know how much the parents value tiny human lives. MZ
Clarification: This post isn’t a part of my series on C.I., so I’m reacting as a deaf person, not as a neutral blogger.
This is so heartbreaking. To be abandoned by the biological family.. perhaps due to one’s deafness, then to be adopted by an American couple and immersed in a new life. Only to be dumped like garbage one year later once the couple found out that the child’s deafness cannot be fixed. That poor poor child. My heart aches for that child. I hope the child will be adopted by a loving family who will not only embrace the child, but also her deafness. It will take her a long time to recover from this traumatic experience, perhaps she will never heal….
What were they thinking? Did they actually think cochlear implant will be 100% successful, if the child is eligible for cochlear implants? There is no guarantee with a cochlear implant. Why did they adopt a deaf child in the first place? They may have decided to adopt a handicapped child, after finding out that adopting a hearing child would be too lengthy or too expensive.
We have seen many examples of overzealous parents constantly trying to fix their children, refusing to accept that the child may not be perfect. But this case takes the cake.
A hex on these cold heartless parents for dumping an innocent child who doesn’t deserve to be treated like a broken toy.
Thanks to Kim for bringing it to our attention: DeafMom3: A couple returned Deaf child back to the Adoption Agency
P.S. I just found out that the adoptive mother is pregnant. Figures. Now that she is miraculously pregnant, she washes her hands of the “problem” child. I feel sorry for the unborn baby.. if that child ever finds out what the parents did prior to her/his birth, the child will know how much the parents value tiny human lives. MZ
Clarification: This post isn’t a part of my series on C.I., so I’m reacting as a deaf person, not as a neutral blogger.
January 28th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
I hope the child finds a family that will love him without conditions. It is a shame on the family. It breaks my heart. I would not even be surprised if the parents just did not want a child with any special needs. It is just a reason to send the child back.
Shame Shame on this heartless family.
January 28th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
It really broke my heart!
ASL is the solution for a deaf child to be a normal child.
But they say…. NO!,…. sign language is not the solution!
But the result is that this parent dumped this deaf child.
All because that this deaf child can’t be mechanicalized to be hearing.
Just why they adopt this deaf child in the first place?
Just what kind of parents do we have in this society?
Oh My God, why did this have to happen to this child…?
John
January 28th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
[...] tip to DeafMom3 and MishkaZena. [...]
January 28th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
About Adoption parents.
I will never understand them.
They are inhuman beings. Nothing more nothing less.
I feel so pain for that child. I abhor her false parents who value perfect human being. They are no better than Nazi.
They should be disallowed to have any children including their own biological children.
I am very furious!
Deafchip
January 28th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
It broke my heart, too. I’d wish to adopt the deaf child and bring her home with us.
January 28th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Elizabeth,
Oh, mon Dieu! This is one of the most inhuman stories I have ever read! I cannot help but remember having read an article in Le Figaro that
a mother in Paris, France, sued the doctor for not telling her that her fetus was deaf. If detected to be deaf, she would kill the fetus, she
said. So inhuman ever imaginably! It is the same with the parents who cannot accept the deafness in their babies, so they implant them.
Deaf people can do anything but hear! We can play
music, tennis, dance, preside a university, become a doctor, a translator at the United Nations, ad infinitum.
Back to square one, parents who have abandoned a
deaf child as told in your blog will reap what they have sown!
Soit!
January 28th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
It really a shame of the family. We should never abandon our own child
January 28th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
That’s damn shame! I agree that adoptive parents deserve the worst adoptive parents of the century award. Why did they want to adopt the “handicapped” baby in first place, then dump that poor baby back into adoption agency? Such a waste and shame.
Oh wow, Jean Boutcher! Oui, mon dieu! That is also inhuman about a mom suing the doctor. That’s disgusting.
Misha
January 28th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
*shaking my head sideways* I will keep this sad situation in my prayers.
January 28th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Gee! This is sad to hear about it. However, I have a feeling that there is more to this story than we know and I would like to see if we can get the direct link to this story.
However, if the parents felt that they could not raise this girl and give her the love/security she needed, they were right to give her back to the agency. A adopted child does not deserve to be in a home where he/she will not be loved and appreciated by parents and certainly not in a home where parents can be disappointed, resentful and unhappy with their adopted child. Perhaps the agency did not do a thorough job in interviewing these parents and assumed that they were good and somehow it ended up like this.
I hope this girl will be adopted out to a good and loving home soon or be transferred to a different adoption agency where the agency can do a better job.
I wonder if this girl had some additional disabilities that these parents didn’t know about beforehand. I heard of one case where one family wanted to adopt a deaf child internationally and somehow they discovered that this child had autism instead and was hearing. Of course they were very disappointed. I don’t know what happened after that.
I also was bothered by the fact that the girl could not be fitted with CI, it made me suspect that it is possible that she may have autism because CI and autism do not go well together for some reason that I don’t know about.
Let’s not jump in gun until we have all facts together and then we can then decide. It could be that the parents did the wrong or even the right thing.
January 28th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Please think about this.
And some will say that… this it is the “parents” ’s informed decision to decide to dump this deaf child… all because this deaf child can not be mechanicalized to be a hearing child.
And we should turn the other way and pretend that this informed decision by this parents to dump this deaf child…..is the right decision?
Do you really think that whatever the informed decision is,…. it is always correct regardless how heartless it is?
It is time to wake up and show your concerns for these innocent deaf babies,…… educate these parents that a deaf child is beautiful and can be normal…only if you give this child the language…. American Sign Language…. to learn how to learn.
Just what is so hard to comprehend this simple concept?
John Egbert
Deaf Bilingual Coalition
January 28th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
my gosh!! It is heart breaking.
I cant believe that Adoption Agency allowed them to adopt a child. Were not they screened a love for any child? They should not adopt a child in the first place! Did not they know there is ASL available for this child.
Now I wonder: Do all Adoption Agencies aware of ASL/Deaf Community?
Support Deaf Bilingual Coalition!!!
Shirley
January 28th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
This deaf child was given up twice—the real parents and adoptive parents. I have a feeling that the adoptive parents weren’t bond this child for the whole one year which was so very easy for them to return this child to the adopting agency. I hope that this child will have a very good home very soon.
January 28th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Julie B.
How did you know about this situation? Please give us the updated situation you knew.
January 28th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
One comment in defense of the parents caused my jaw to drop all the way to the floor.
“Don’t jump in gun…” and statements, like maybe the parents did the right thing, maybe not, maybe the child has additional disabilities, etc.
Gee, when a child is adopted, love is unconditional! Adoption of a child does not come with “100% Satisfaction Guarantee”!
About those parents who returned the child, well there’s always a karma.
January 28th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
The word is…HUMANITY. That is the word we should use all along with all Deaf children, and all Deaf babies.
It’s time for all parents to accept Deaf people, SPEECH or NOT. This story about adoptive parents returning the Deaf child proves here that some hearing parents DO not accept Deafness.
Even if they want to fix us (our hearing losses), put cochlear implants inside our skulls, or return us back to the adoptive agency, it’s still inhumane.
But guess what is funny?
Hearing parents who refuse to allow their children learn ASL even as if they receive CIs are in retrospect being inhuman. And they don’t understand! They wouldn’t understand it if I told them that. They would think I am some extremist Deaf Power fanatic. Sad isn’t it? What is inhuman to us, if we object, then we become too extreme in their mind. Like subversives. Anybody who wants to control our fate, if we try to change their philosophy, we are the subversives.
Subversive. The reason I use this word is that hearing people seem to feel they are an authority over Deaf people, they feel know know what is best for us, including disallowing children to learn sign language, and deciding to surgically put in CIs. I am practically overthrowing that authority as a subversive in hopes of changing the political climate and in hopes of making people understand that ASL is a wonderful language in addition to speech, lipreading, and listening.
What is even funnier is that I don’t object to Deaf children learning to speak, to read lips, and to listen. As long they grow up bilingually, which is the way this world is anyway, in the spoken languages, or signed. I mean, the parent would not object if their child learned Spanish, or if their child took French lessons. But ASL? God forbid to them, that’s their thinking.
What is funnest is that most oral Deaf children later learn sign language and abandon their oral roots at some point in their life, rendering all inhumane decision making moot.
Most Deaf people end up learning sign language at some point. So I don’t know what is the point in forbidding the child to learn sign language by placing them in programs that do not allow ASL signing in classes?
Yes, I know the ancient argument that the child most avoid ASL and learn how to speak, lipread, and listen at the earliest age possible. It’s still inhuman. Why? If we are unable to learn how to speak, lipread, and listen like the way they expect us to, we become a failure to them. NO way a child should feel as if they didn’t live up to expectations if they can’t!!!!
How do I know? I grew up oral. My speech wasn’t as good as others were. I could see circles formed. Either you’re in, or you’re out.
Who decides? (licking lips)…the parents…(don’t be shocked)….
January 28th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Typo mistake in paragraph six.
“The reason I use this word is that hearing people seem to feel they are an authority over Deaf people, they feel KNOW KNOW what is best for us, including disallowing children to learn sign language, and deciding to surgically put in CIs.”
Correction:
“The reason I use this word is that hearing people seem to feel they are an authority over Deaf people, they feel that as parents, they know what is best for us, including disallowing children to learn sign language, and deciding to surgically put in CIs.”
Also I want to correct one notion. Deaf parents of CI children are excluded, because a higher percentage of them allow ASL used at home, with speech. Hearing parents represent a different group because usually in regards to CI and Oralism, hearing parents who do not know ASL usually discourage learning ASL. Deaf parents grew up already knowing how to sign or have learned to sign later in life.
January 28th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Those who screamed that it is the parents’ rights to decide what’s best for the child, how can you justify this?
Why is that every time when there are stories about deaf child not being qualified to be CI user or how some people dared to take the kids away from deaf parents just because the deaf parents don’t want their kids be fitted with CI, you people keep saying that there must be another reason beside the deafness?
Why is that there are many diseases or disorders that are affecting children (such as autism), parents would gather and make an effort to set up an organization to bring awareness and support but when the parents do that for the deaf children using Bi-Bi Approach, they get scolded, ostracized, belittled, and so forth?
Why is that when parents decided not to fit their deaf kid with CI, they were accused of child abuse?
A while ago, I was reading a blog somewhere where a blogger was concerned about the experience of CI surgery, a commenter who I believed to be the mother of CI kids snapped back, “I don’t need your pity!” So, the parents decided to fit their deaf kids with CI for the kid’s benefit or to help the parents avoid pity from the society?
Is the word, deaf, a dirty word?
January 28th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
typo error #2 “Yes, I know the ancient argument that the child MOST avoid ASL and learn how to speak, lipread, and listen at the earliest age possible”
correction: “Yes, I know the ancient argument that the child MUST avoid ASL and learn how to speak, lipread, and listen at the earliest age possible.”
January 28th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Okay what would you do if you wanted to adopt a deaf baby and somehow found out that he/she had autism or other disability? And it turns out that this child isnt deaf but hearing. You didnt expect that. And you have to deal with it, either come to grips and accept the child or do something. Its not easy and it can be very heartbreaking.There are biological parents who give up their children because they couldnt love them dearly. One cannot judge these parents until they walk in their shoes. I believe its important to get as much facts in and to find out why it happened.
January 28th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
It is heartbreaking.
January 28th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
I want to issue a challenge to hearing parents:
While you continue to forbid ASL usage by your Deaf children, secretly take sign language classes and learn the language. I am sure by the time you finish the courses and become fluent in ASL, your outlook will be totally different, and humanized. Your perspective will be totally different.
There is no real proof that using ASL deters learning how to speak, or to listen.
January 28th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
michele (#19), so does that justify the parents to return the child?
January 28th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
Brenster,
I dont know but the child deserves love, acceptance and security and if they cannot provide it to the child, then it wouldnt be fair to the child. Who would want to grow up in a home like this? Not me. I would much rather find parents who can love me dearly and accept who i am.
January 28th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
well, if the people are the kind of people who cannot provide unconditional love to their own children and adopted children, should not be allowed to be parents. of course, that’s not the world we live in, but yes, returning defective children to agencies exist in the world we live in. strange…
January 28th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
This needs to be shared to everyone across the nation and the world.
It is funny that it is okay for an adoptive agency to take the “defective” child back from the adoptive family one year after caring the child.
And for some adoptive agencies are not allowing deaf parents to adopt a child!
Also… all of the discussion going on about eugenics in United Kingdom, and the controversy of two deaf lesbians wanting to have deaf baby through IVF.
So… the morale of the story – its okay for hearing parents to reject a deaf baby. But, for deaf parents, we cannot have babies at all.
This sucks!
I contacted NAD about this and we may need to ask other bloggers (deaf, disabled and hearing) to pick up the story immediately.
Amy Cohen Efron
January 28th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Hello,
I recalled a deaf couple who were well known to deaf community. I won’t name them, tho. Anyway, they adopted a deaf boy from one country (not worth to mention due to small community here,
). That boy had more than two disabilities. They tried to accept this boy, but they decided that things went beyond their hands. They returned that boy, and adopted a deaf girl instead. The girl stayed all the way. So… I guess it all depends how they establish the bond with a child..?
Thanks, deafk
January 28th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Why are Deaf parents not allowed to adopt hearing babies or even Deaf babies by some adoptive agencies?
It turns out that Deaf parents can be the most attentive, loving parents. As opposed to hearing parents, who spend most of their time trying to fix the babies, in lieu of love.
January 28th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
My opinion is, if we are out to adopt a child, we must be clear who we want, except for the fact we cannot foresee problems undiagnosed. That is why adopting children takes a lot of thought. If I wanted to adopt a child, I have to be prepared for possibilities I hadn’t thought of..
Some want a child who is handicapped or who is autism or some other defect, or accept an adopted baby who has those birth defects. The question here is why? Answer: LOVE. And the goal to make a better life of nourishment for that defective child.
But any parents who wants a specific child, such as a Deaf child, or a perfect hearing child without any defects still have the same motive for a child: somebody to love.
That is why adoption is sticky sometimes, because the child adopted isn’t who we expect. Does it mean we aren’t loving when we feel we took in the wrong child? Not necessarily. Everybody is responsible. The adoptive agency, the parents, even the parents who gave up the child. Everybody figures in the equation. It’s just up to us to do the math right and to have consideration in love over the fate of the child.
I agree with the fact if the child has multiple defects, it can go beyond our hands, it can be more than what we bargained for. That doesn’t make the adoptive couple bad, or any less, or not loving. It just takes the right set of parents mentally prepared to take in such a child.
January 28th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
Here is a link about parents who had to give up their adoptive daughter as she was constantly distrupting their lives but it has a happy ending because they tried to find a better solution for her. Its why I keep saying that we cannot judge parents until we walk in their shoes.
http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=511
January 28th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
[...] she will never heal
January 29th, 2008 at 7:01 am
Geez.
Hopefully the adoption agencies would take notice of this situation and would double-check the adopter’s willingness to commit.
I know three deaf families here in Indy who have adopted deaf children from other countries and all of them are COMMITTED in bringing ASL to their lives. They all said that their adoptee/adoptees had no language before coming to America. Kudos to these deaf parents.
January 29th, 2008 at 7:05 am
I am not talking about CIs, etc. Just the willingness to commit.
We don’t know the other side of the story… maybe the parents realized belatedly they could not keep committment to the adopted child.
If the parents share their side of the story, we could understand better. Still it all comes down to the willingness to commit which is a big key for the successful adoptions.
January 29th, 2008 at 8:00 am
I saw this on Deaf Pundit’s blog and I’m going to copy/paste what I said over there…
That’s terrible.
But I have mixed feelings based on my Aunt’s adoption experience.
She loved this boy so much and really tried hard to bond with this kid but it was nearly impossible because of the background he came from – a broken family. He had a lot of emotional issues that made it really difficult for my aunt.
She had to return him because it was getting out of control and she couldn’t raise him. She felt really bad about it and questioned her own parenting skills. She just couldn’t bond with him even though she loved him. Does that make sense?
If the parents had bonded with this deaf child, regardless of him getting CI or not, it wouldn’t have been an issue. I truly think it’s the bonding issue here, not because of the “perfect” child.
Perhaps she knew she wasn’t fit to be this child’s parent and it was probably in the best interest of this child to go back and hopefully be placed with parents who are better suited for this child in a loving environment. I most certainly hope the new parents would be proficient in ASL so they can teach this child.
A lot of children, not just the deaf, go through this every day.
January 29th, 2008 at 9:30 am
This sad story has happened many times.
This set of parents discovered they were pregnant, so gave up the deaf adoptee…we can guess why: they wanted to give their own child attention and were worried about their committment to the deaf child.(They had been learning ASL so might have had second thoughts.)
It takes a honest parent to admit they can’t give a child its right to love and commitment. Imagine how an adoptee would feel–like an outsider in a family with a newborn natural child. Being Deaf is a double hardship in this kind of family because it brings in a language/communication element.
Better for the adoptee to be in a home where all the children are either adopted or Deaf.
January 29th, 2008 at 11:11 am
I do not understand why Couples are giving up adopt Deaf Child and return to the Agency..
They were hoped up and get ci for their Deaf Daughter but turn it out “not good qualify”.. Decide send Deaf Daughter back to Agency.
I’m surprised Couples are cold heartless!
January 29th, 2008 at 11:42 am
That is what I thought… it could be emotional baggage that the adoptee brought into the family. Sometimes we think we can handle any challenges that life throws at us and then we realize our limits.
We cannot judge people without knowing all the sides.
Still it is tough.
January 29th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
That’s true. I shouldn’t have judged immediately, but when I first saw this story, all I could think was this innocent girl. Even though the adoptive parents may have meant well, the innocent girl still pays dearly for their mistake. It doesn’t help to hear that the girl isn’t a candidate for cochlear implants nor hearing aids because it gives the impression that the parents want a deaf child who can hear. : /
January 29th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Amnesty International has information about adoption agencies at http://www.google.com. I hear that adoption agencies in Western Europe are much stricter than those in some Eastern European countries around the Adriatic Sea as well as in some Asian countries.
I earnestly hope that the World Federation of the Deaf and the NAD will be alerted and would look into this matter and notify the United Nations of which WFD is a member.
Deaf people, kids or adults, are NOT faceless. They are human. They can breathe. They can feel. They CAN think. They can smile. They can pout.
(The Deaf and Blind Helen Keller says that she could feel whether a cat was happy or upset.)
January 29th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
You keep telling us to “walk in their shoes” all the times. Why should we? We have been asking you to understand our wishes but instead you reject us and you have the galls to scold us when we object any injustice on parents’ treatment to “broken” kids.
You parents are just looking for a convenience way to raise a kid. You’d rather to have a child in your own mirror image. You disregard the unique individualism of a child. What would you do if you happen to have your own biological child having all of the problems beside deafness?
January 29th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Having adopted 2 deaf and one HoH in my 8 adoptions…and having birthed 3 daughters of my own…gives me a unique perspective. I often thought I was blessed that I was able to choose my special needs kiddos and seperate myself from being their birth mom…I felt it empowered me to better advocate for them. When my kids needed ASL Language Role Models, I fought for it…when my daughters needed a specialty FM unit, I got it…when we considered the ci adventure…, neither one was an “ideal” canidate…,
but, yup you guessed it, I got it for BOTH.
But, not everyone can adopt and survive those early adoptive years. I hear of failed adoptions all the time. It is heartwrentching…some times folks give kids back for a variety of reasons…but, I am thankful that the kids go back…I’d much rather see a kiddo go back to the placing agency to find a more appropriate match…than have a child stuck in a family that is not passionate about their committment to see that child to adulthood.
Adoptive homes do not go through the 6mos to 1 year of extensive interviews and trainings with the intention of doing anything besides welcoming a needy child into their homes… on one goes this with the intention of failing..
Birth children do not come with instruction books…neither do adopted kiddos…but both equally deserve passionate parents who are fully committed to doing their personal best each and every day…if you don’t feel this kind of passion, you most likely are not the best placement for this child and you are doing a disservice to the child pretending otherwise.
All across the US are children waiting to find an adoptive home…I hope and pray follks who are interested in adoption will step up to the plate for real and call your local state adoptions agency. I guarantee you there are literally of thousands of foster youth in the USA just waiting for a family of their own…
January 30th, 2008 at 12:10 am
[...] all started with the Hall of Shame post on Mishka Zena’s blog. The post focused on a devastating story about a family who gave back an adopted deaf child after [...]
February 20th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
[...] Posted by Banjo